Sleepless in the Hartland

I cant sleep, hence the subject.

I want to apologize in advance because the next couple of days will be super hard for me. Its very sad that the birth of my son is a hard time for me in my personal life.

Four years ago today, Joshua was born, I thought my life was finally complete. It wasnt, and little did I know, iw as about to embark on the hardest couple days of my life, shortly after his birth.

My ex husband was cheating on me, and even as I type this now, my heart breaks. There is no worse feeling in the world, to me at least. I had devoted and pledged my love and devotion to this person. (I cant even call him a man because that would make every MAN I call now seem to be a joke). I thought love was loving him. I put myself out there to be loved by him, and he took that for granted. He was cheating on me with a woman he was working with. When I found out, and I saw his blackberry with all those messages from her, and her telling him she loved him, and him telling her those same affirmations, it maked me so sick. I literally went into my upstairs bathroom, and threw up. I think in that same moment, as I was kneeling against the porceline throne, I was realizing that I had been so blind, and so wrong about this person I just had 2 children with.

Now I dont want to get into the crazy details, but just know I have been through the ringer. Every year it gets better, I dont dwell on it as much, and I make a point to live my life, instead of letting this mess ruin me.

I was thinking about this a lot because I wonder if I can ever truely trust another person again; let alone a man. I wonder if the MAN I choose to let into my life, will decide to make the effort to prove to me that I deserve his love. I can tell that I either demand too much, or I dont demand enough, and I end up getting walked over by boyfriends I have had since Josh. Lets not forget Gene... man if thats not called a mess, I dont know what is.

I want to be with someone, I really do. I want that companionship, and that love feeling again, but I just dont know if after all this mess, I really know what I WANT.  I have a list of the qualities I look for in a man, but I skimp on some of those things just because I may think that "HE" has another quality that surpasses the one quality that I am over looking.

I dont have time for a full blown boyfriend, but I like to think I do.
Now the thing with me and Joe is that we are confident with each other in knowing that were not cheating on each other, and that we "like" each other.

Where am I going with this.. seriously? Why did I go off on this rant, I have NO CLUE... I am tired now, I should probably go to bed.. Thank goodness Hump Day is officially almost over...