Long time, no post..

I am feeling kinda grey today, so I will leave this black and white. No color here.

Am I doing this blog right? I see some blogs with great craft, and cooking ideas,and some with how-to's, and all mine is is me bitchin' about this, and that, and telling you a little about whats going on in my life from day to day.

This week has been interesting. I spent Saturday night at Joe's house with Lola. I was too chicken to go home so late, and there was no one at home to protect me from the scary things that COULD happen living out in BFE.
The next day, Sunday, Joe and I cleaned out the blackberry bushes in his moms raspberry bed, and we rode quads, and just had good old fashion fun.
Its pretty depressing if you ask me, and I am pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to do from here.
I pull my hair out because the more time I spend with Joe, the more I want more, I want to be called his girlfriend, not just "a friend", and I miss being married as well. I have been going over it in my head, "What do I want from this, and do I really want it, and cant I just wait till school is done before I make any serious decisions?" I posted something on my facebook today about "If you dont stand for something, you will fall for anything" This saying rings true to me right now. If I dont stand for myself, then wont anyone just walk all over me? Maybe Joe and I will end up together someday, WHO KNOWS... maybe we wont, but if I allow this relationship to go the way it is now, then will he ever know where I stand when it comes to me? Not sure.
I have to say this is the first time that I have been in this sort of relationship, meaning one that has lasted SO LONG. Besides my marriage, my longest relationship before was only 6 months. But even then, when I was with Clay, he knew that I was serious about him, and he was about me too, we both told each other we loved each other, and we acted in the immature 16 year old way that 16 year olds do.
Why is this so hard? Why is it that this man that I care about so much, doesnt see me or us, the same way that I do? We get along so hreat, we have fun together, we have these WWE wrestling matches, we watch movies, we ride quads, I love his mom..... SERIOUSLY!!!!!
Whenever I push the issue to him about, what we are, he says we are exclusively dating, but we arent boyfriend and girlfriend.. and that we have an "arrangement" where I wont mess around, neither will he. Is that enough... not for me, I think I have come up with the conclusion that I want a man to be as into me as I am him. I treat him so good, I cook him homemade dinner, give him leftovers for lunch, I wake him up in the morning and visa versa... (on a side note, after writing that, and re reading it, I feel like such a door mat, but you know what, he is kind to my kids, and to me, that deserves everything in the world, since they have NO ONE as a male figure, besides my step dad and brother to do that). I do those things because I love him, not because I HAVE TO. What do I do... I love the fact that we are so confortable with one another, and I dont want to lose that... so whenever the rejection of the relationship issue comes up, and its reminded to me that were just really good friends, I get sad about it, keep to myself for a little bit, then go about as nothing has changed.
Do I ignore him, do I play this "game" of hard to get... I feel so against that in a way, because I hate games being played with me! Unless is Monopoly of course, or Risk...
Do the 3 of you that follow me have ANY advice for me... I dont want to lose him, but I DO want a man that will be proud to call me his girlfriend, and a man who is not scared to be known as being with me....
Thanks for hearing me whine a little bit...

Elaine
xoxo