Someone please help me...

I feel very fortunate in my life to have such great women supporting me in my efforts to succeed in school, I have Ruthie, who without your help, who knows where Joshie would be, and the same goes for you Tami, your a God sent. Then I have the support of my lovely sister in law Alisha, and my aunt Charity, they are family members that I truely love dearly, and I couldnt do it without your support and lovely talks in the morning and at night. Then we have my mom....
I swear, I have NEVER EVER tried so hard to please another human being in my life!
I lost a marriage to trying to please her, I have gone practically insane because of her, and now, I have walked the fine line of, "I am going to down all the pills into this house, cause I cant stand her "!!!
I dont know if you all know this but I dont REALLY have much of a social life, whether its the lack of funds, or the lack of time, I DONT go out all that much. And if I do, its on someone elses dime.
It all started at 4 today, I was going to stay late at school to get HELP ON MY HOMEWORK, and I send a text to my mom about staying late, and being home around 7, and she says, "Dont be home any later than that", to that I said, FORGET IT, I will just go home, and figure it out myself.
I come home, and I get chewed out for a second time about MY ROOM, MY LITTLE AREA THAT I CALL MY OWN... I seriously cant handle it anymore. I am to the point I am about to explode!
There are house rules about, "Have your room cleaned by Friday, have the bathroom cleaned once a week, clean the dogs dung once a week... so on and so on... YET... I STILL get chewed out if its not done when SHE wants it done.
Lord in heaven above, PLEASE let me live to make it through school, and move the hell out of this house, FAR FAR FAR AWAY!!! Because if you dont, I will hang myself in the closet with my new belt from Torrid. I am SO DONE WITH THIS CRAP!!!

Thanks for listening to me rant,

Elaine

Romance isn't all dead :)

What a weird weekend this was. I was hanging out with my friend Zack aftert school on Friday, he made me some awesome Risotto which I had never tried before, and I complimented it with some great marinated flank steak, if I DO say so myself.
I had been invited to go and see my friend Katie, which I hadnt seen in a while, and I almost didnt go, but I am sure glad I did now.
See, while we were there, and while I was being ignored, I had met this young, semi cute (just kidding) vet whom shall remain nameless for the time being, and he and I talked all night long. I didnt think much of it at all and I even  tried to flirt with him, but in that non chelant (sp) way that I ever so subtley do... and well, lets say that at the 10th hour, we finally decided to go outside, and "chat" where no one with their stupid Karaoke voice would annoy us anymore, and we had fun, to say the least... We got made fun of by my dear friend Katie, but who cares.. right???
ANYWAYS... next day approaches.. I decide to say a good morning to the dear lad, and I ask him how he was feeling the next morning. We made plans to go and watch a movie, and that was pretty cool.. very sweet. He met me in Sandy, and we saw Arthur.. funny movie... but it was the little things that he did that totally made me believe that a man can really be sweet, and romantic.. like (and shut it if you think its lame) but he put his arm around me during the movie, which I thought was so sweet, and he got close enough to my hair that he smelled it, and I could tell. As he smelled it, I had this vision of how sweet old fashion type romances must have been... he then got close again just because, and he kissed my head... it was so sweet... I just wanted to stay in that seat, and never leave his side..
I will leave that story at just that.... there are some things that I think my "followers" need to know, and there are other details that I think are just not relevent to the purpose, which is, I was treated this weekend, the way I ALWAYS wanted to be treated... and to think, it might have not happend if I wouldnt have gone to see my friend Katie.

School has been ok.. midterms is over, THANK GOD!!! Homework blows, but what is new, and I am missing sleep like crazy.. The kids are good, like they always are, and I am stoked about softball season. I think me, my friend Amanda, Nancy, and Mikell will be on a team together, its gonna be awesome!!!

You know, (getting back to the emotional part to this blog) I would have never thought that I would have been treated the way I was this weekend, I just didnt think I could , let alone by a younger guy. Its weird I know, and Im dealing with it, but if this guy leaves, I tell you what.. I know what I want and how I want to be courted, treated by a man, thats for sure, and its sad that it took a younger guy to show me that. I guess there isnt a lot to be said about age.. it is just a number.

I think tonight, a good soak is called for, and going to bed around 11 is even MORE called for.

I guess in closing, I wanna say follow your dreams, and stay on the path that you set for yourself to follow, (hopefully its GODS path), and if there is a bump in the road, embrace it.. it could lead you down a path of love, prosperity, even wealth.. who knows, Just remember to keep your eyes on the big man upstairs... HE is the one who is ultimately in control right???

Heartbreak.. once again?

This week was very hard for me, I was having issues with a woman in my class, and that really messed with me this week. She taunted me about typing too loud on my laptop while typing the notes for class, and acusing me of being on Facebook as well, when not 2 days later, her partner next to her was doing the same thing, and she didnt say a word. THEN, on Wednesday, I had my debate, which was nerve wrecking. I couldnt talk for the first minute, and we lost, good thing she graded on research, and not by who won or not. I had a hard time today the most, I had the talk with Joe that I did NOT want to have. I told him that it was important for me to be true to myself, that it wasnt fair for either one of us to be together when I want way more then what he is emotionally capable of giving me right now. If he would have told me he wanted to be with me, the way I wanted, I would have stayed, hands down... after all, I still love him, and I did love him. I was feeling lately that my life is going down a path, one filled with promise not only for me but for my kids too, I WILL graduate and then I WILL get a great job, and I WILL buy a home, and I WILL be either engaged, or married in 4 years. In order to do this, I need to be right on all aspects of my life, and this was one thing I could not budge on any longer.
Tonight has been so hard. I find myself laying in bed, and crying, because I know that I could call him up right now, and tell him I take it all back, but then I would be in the same position I am right now, and as I started with in the beginning, I need to take these steps in my life in order to get to where I want to be, and right now, this "thing" I am in, just isnt right.
I must say, time with Joe wasnt bad at all, we had so much fun, riding quads, going to dinner, watching movies, and Fran.... I truely hope we can continue to talk. That is his mom, and I truely have love for that woman, she has been through so much, and I admire her dearly. Hanging out with Joe showed me exactly what I DO want, which is that companionship, and that love that a committed relationship gives, so I hope and pray that God brings that man into my life that I know is meant to complete me, after HIM of course.
Thank goodness this week is over.... well almost..

Elaine

Long time, no post..

I am feeling kinda grey today, so I will leave this black and white. No color here.

Am I doing this blog right? I see some blogs with great craft, and cooking ideas,and some with how-to's, and all mine is is me bitchin' about this, and that, and telling you a little about whats going on in my life from day to day.

This week has been interesting. I spent Saturday night at Joe's house with Lola. I was too chicken to go home so late, and there was no one at home to protect me from the scary things that COULD happen living out in BFE.
The next day, Sunday, Joe and I cleaned out the blackberry bushes in his moms raspberry bed, and we rode quads, and just had good old fashion fun.
Its pretty depressing if you ask me, and I am pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to do from here.
I pull my hair out because the more time I spend with Joe, the more I want more, I want to be called his girlfriend, not just "a friend", and I miss being married as well. I have been going over it in my head, "What do I want from this, and do I really want it, and cant I just wait till school is done before I make any serious decisions?" I posted something on my facebook today about "If you dont stand for something, you will fall for anything" This saying rings true to me right now. If I dont stand for myself, then wont anyone just walk all over me? Maybe Joe and I will end up together someday, WHO KNOWS... maybe we wont, but if I allow this relationship to go the way it is now, then will he ever know where I stand when it comes to me? Not sure.
I have to say this is the first time that I have been in this sort of relationship, meaning one that has lasted SO LONG. Besides my marriage, my longest relationship before was only 6 months. But even then, when I was with Clay, he knew that I was serious about him, and he was about me too, we both told each other we loved each other, and we acted in the immature 16 year old way that 16 year olds do.
Why is this so hard? Why is it that this man that I care about so much, doesnt see me or us, the same way that I do? We get along so hreat, we have fun together, we have these WWE wrestling matches, we watch movies, we ride quads, I love his mom..... SERIOUSLY!!!!!
Whenever I push the issue to him about, what we are, he says we are exclusively dating, but we arent boyfriend and girlfriend.. and that we have an "arrangement" where I wont mess around, neither will he. Is that enough... not for me, I think I have come up with the conclusion that I want a man to be as into me as I am him. I treat him so good, I cook him homemade dinner, give him leftovers for lunch, I wake him up in the morning and visa versa... (on a side note, after writing that, and re reading it, I feel like such a door mat, but you know what, he is kind to my kids, and to me, that deserves everything in the world, since they have NO ONE as a male figure, besides my step dad and brother to do that). I do those things because I love him, not because I HAVE TO. What do I do... I love the fact that we are so confortable with one another, and I dont want to lose that... so whenever the rejection of the relationship issue comes up, and its reminded to me that were just really good friends, I get sad about it, keep to myself for a little bit, then go about as nothing has changed.
Do I ignore him, do I play this "game" of hard to get... I feel so against that in a way, because I hate games being played with me! Unless is Monopoly of course, or Risk...
Do the 3 of you that follow me have ANY advice for me... I dont want to lose him, but I DO want a man that will be proud to call me his girlfriend, and a man who is not scared to be known as being with me....
Thanks for hearing me whine a little bit...

Elaine
xoxo

Day 3... took long enough to get here :)

I am wearing a nice purple shirt that I bought at Old Navy, so I figured, lets stick with purple and write in it today.

What happend this weekend.. we had Joshie's birthday party, and for me, it was perfect. Not too big, and everyone that he wanted to be there was there.

My baby boy is 4. Its bittersweet, and if you want to see why, read my day 2 blog.

I have had a great last couple of days with Joe. Sorry to get off subject, but I just smiled, and I was thinking about him when I did. Spending time with him makes me feel so good. He is so funny, yes... Joe is funny... and kind, and anytime I see him, I tell ya, I just cant be close enough to him.... I wanna hug that big stud muffin... yeah I said stud muffin.. :) I was laying in his big bed next to him while the power was out, and he had all these candles lit, and he was just holding me, super tight, and he was wearing the cologne that I love oh so much, and I realized that there was no other place I would rather be. I havent felt so good in such a long time. And for all you out there saying, OH SHUT IT... TOO MUCH INFO.. I just wanna say, it wasnt anything sexual, it was purely innocent, and sweet.

For the 3 of you that are following my blog, you dont know me well enough to realize that I am an impulsive woman. I got married 4 months after knowing my ex husband. I decided on a whim once to just take a couple days on my spring break and head to Mexico, just cause... So, I mention this because Joe and I move this "relationship" at a snails pace from what I am normally used to, and for once, I am actually ok with it. With Joe, I have experienced the ups and downs of loving him, to hating him, to missing him, and now, at this moment, I am pretty happy with him. I am happy with US. We are both have a lot in common, and I enjoy that. But we also have lots that are NOT in common, that makes me feel good, because I continue to have my own "person" outside of who he and I are. Ya know what I mean.

Anyways, enough about me and Joe... I know it can be boring to hear about, but you know, I like him, and he is apart of my life, so I figure you might wanna hear about us.

Japan was severely hit with a Tsunami/Earthquake this last Friday. My friend Sara is there with her son, and husband, and its heartbreaking to see her posts everyday on facebook, I mean good to see she is fine, but scary when she mentions things about rations, or water shortage, or nuclear explosions. I want to badly to send her things she needs, and I post it on Facebook, but it doesnt seem like people give a fuck to help out at all!!! It pisses me off! COME ON PEOPLE, HELP ME HELP HER!!!

Thats enough for now, the woman in class that I hate oh so much is giving me the evil eye... Im scared!!!! :)

Sleepless in the Hartland

I cant sleep, hence the subject.

I want to apologize in advance because the next couple of days will be super hard for me. Its very sad that the birth of my son is a hard time for me in my personal life.

Four years ago today, Joshua was born, I thought my life was finally complete. It wasnt, and little did I know, iw as about to embark on the hardest couple days of my life, shortly after his birth.

My ex husband was cheating on me, and even as I type this now, my heart breaks. There is no worse feeling in the world, to me at least. I had devoted and pledged my love and devotion to this person. (I cant even call him a man because that would make every MAN I call now seem to be a joke). I thought love was loving him. I put myself out there to be loved by him, and he took that for granted. He was cheating on me with a woman he was working with. When I found out, and I saw his blackberry with all those messages from her, and her telling him she loved him, and him telling her those same affirmations, it maked me so sick. I literally went into my upstairs bathroom, and threw up. I think in that same moment, as I was kneeling against the porceline throne, I was realizing that I had been so blind, and so wrong about this person I just had 2 children with.

Now I dont want to get into the crazy details, but just know I have been through the ringer. Every year it gets better, I dont dwell on it as much, and I make a point to live my life, instead of letting this mess ruin me.

I was thinking about this a lot because I wonder if I can ever truely trust another person again; let alone a man. I wonder if the MAN I choose to let into my life, will decide to make the effort to prove to me that I deserve his love. I can tell that I either demand too much, or I dont demand enough, and I end up getting walked over by boyfriends I have had since Josh. Lets not forget Gene... man if thats not called a mess, I dont know what is.

I want to be with someone, I really do. I want that companionship, and that love feeling again, but I just dont know if after all this mess, I really know what I WANT.  I have a list of the qualities I look for in a man, but I skimp on some of those things just because I may think that "HE" has another quality that surpasses the one quality that I am over looking.

I dont have time for a full blown boyfriend, but I like to think I do.
Now the thing with me and Joe is that we are confident with each other in knowing that were not cheating on each other, and that we "like" each other.

Where am I going with this.. seriously? Why did I go off on this rant, I have NO CLUE... I am tired now, I should probably go to bed.. Thank goodness Hump Day is officially almost over...

Day 2.. You still following me?

Can you keep up with me? I feel like I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I wake up at 6:50 in the morning, get 2 kids and myself ready for school, make sure I look pretty, then I drop off kiddos at school, do some intern stuff, go donate plasma, (yes I do that cause sometimes I dont get child support) and then I head to school and am there from 1 until 5. After that, I will sometimes go and see my favorite city worker... (Joe :) ) or I will study in the library for a little bit, and then I head home, cook dinner for the kids, put them to bed, do more homework, then go to bed around 12. Seriously... this is NOT the life I wanted to have... I wanted something more "story like". I have since given up on that. I truely believe the saying, "You can sleep when your dead".
Today is Joshua's birthday. This day is hard for me, because of all the grief that came along with his birth. I will tell you, I found out my ex husband was cheating on me the day that he was born. I always say my son was born into heartache. Whenever he is sad, or whenever he is crying, I my heart breaks.
I am hoping this blog will help me release this tension that I have in my life.

On another note... let me update you small followers on what is going on in my "dating life"
Joe and I have been hanging out now for a couple of months, 8 now to be exact. Everytime I am around him, I smile, I get so happy, and giddy, I love talking to him, and when he makes me laugh. I have not been around someone like him in a long time. Joe has this way of making me feel special, he is so sweet, so kind. I give him advice on how to handle a matter, or an issue with me, and he actually listens. And he cooks too.. it was so sweet.. a couple weeks ago, he was so gung ho on making dinner for me all by himself, and it was great. He wouldnt let me help one bit. Sometimes I feel that I dont deserve such a great man. Then again, he says were not "together" so maybe hes not "mine" to call my own.  Oh well.. I take it for what it is day by day. Im just happy that it is something that I can be apart of. Thats my point I think.

Tonight I am headed to Sweet Tomatos.. Ruthie, and HOPEFULLY Eryn will be there with me because I need someone to blush when I tell the steriod guy to flex...

xoxo